So, I thought I would give ya'all the 'ole "411" on Daddy-O...things have been crazy as usual...however, he IS home and stable...well, as "STABLE" as one can BE in our family, anyway! ;-}
I cannot seem to remember WHAT I write WHERE these days...it is all such a jumble. I feel quite addled in my dotage! :o}
And, as usual, this is a meandering collage of Skittles of various hues and flavors. So, pop a piece of that most wondrous, chewy, fruity, bit of Candy-Nirvana into your mouth, and read-on, whilst your sugar-buzz is still bursting!... ;o}
"Things" ARE kinda "okay"...we are in a wait-and-see holding-pattern...all that we can ask for, really. Every new day is a better day...I hope. That is my plan, anyway. Just gotta' convince myself of it now!
So...Dad IS finally home...they never could operate on him...he would not survive another surgery, and his intestines were too thin to hold a suture anyway. So, after another week+ in the hospital, (still with the colostomy bag on)...he was able to eat regular food...so the doctors decided that he could lie in bed at home as well as he could in the hospital. So...they shipped him outta' there.
He still has the colostomy bag on...Mom is his 24/7 nurse/slave/indentured-servant, etc. He is super weak...yet he does walk a few laps around the living room every day. He still has the clots in his legs...I guess with the meds they are slowly being absorbed.
A nurse comes every couple days, and they have to go in to the doctor at least once a week.
Mom said that he has zero interest in anything...not the farm, not the dogs, NOTHING. She took him off the anti-depressants, because she said he was just a zombie while on them...was kinda dizzy when he walked, and could not really focus on anything.
Now, he just seems really down. I mean...who can blame him, right? This whole deal has been one nightmare after another for the past few years. It took him so long to struggle back from the brink last time...and now he has to try and do it all over again...under even worse conditions.
I have always seen my dad as Superman...ageless, timeless, and without weakness. Now, I am trying to see what outsiders see...and what he is seeing in himself. And that is apparently an old and sick man. But that is NOT who he really is! He may be 73 years old...but that is just a number. My dad has ALWAYS been strong, healthy, brilliant-beyond-belief, sharp, quick, and the center of everyone's universe.
He is NOT this sick, old man who is suddenly a stranger to me...to all of us. I wonder if he is now a stranger to himself, too.
He is not the easiest person to talk to. He has always been the one doing the talking... ("lecturing", is more like it! ;) ...Or, just telling stories, in general.) He has never had a whole lot of patience...and if he did not want to listen to what we had to say, if it held no interest for him--because it was really so far below his intelligence level--his eyes would just glaze-over, and we would immediately get the hint that the conversation was over.
Well, now...he has no interest in ANYTHING ANYONE has to say...EVER. He just kinda lies there in his recliner and shrugs if asked a question, or told a brief story. It is rather unnerving...I just feel like an idiot...and like I am bothering him.
Mom says that he does not really talk...hardly ever...about anything. He is just a ghost going through the motions.
He thinks he is not getting any better. But I think that he is...Mom thinks so too. Less fluid is draining out of his abdominal cavity now...and that surely must mean that his intestines ARE finally healing themselves a bit. It is just going to take time...and lots of it.
At least he his HOME now...that certainly has to account for A LOT. ...Hospitals SUCK!... Plain-and-simple...Unless you are the doctors who make a flippin' FORTUNE there (even accounting for their exorbitant mal-practice insurance co-pays!)...or if you are parents bringing a baby into the world...
...(what am I saying?..."Parents"...I SHOULD SAY: "Unless you are a WOMAN, giving birth to her child!" When men say that they are "having a baby", they are FULL OF SHIT! THEY are NOT "having a baby"...THEY were the "sperm-donors"...period...THEY do NONE of the work! "Men--having a baby...my ASS! ;O}
Anyway...NO ONE wants to be in a hospital. MISERABLE...PERIOD. And I KNOW! *SHUDDER*
Now, Dad can barely speak above a whisper when he does speak. I think that when they had to entebate him when he coded, that they damaged his vocal chords. Also, since he has barely spoken in months, his muscles are atrophying.
Mom asked him why he can barely speak...what was "wrong with his voice?"...and he just shrugged again. I told her that he needs to start exercising his vocal chords, they need to get stronger too.
When Boomer had a few vertebrae in his neck fused--a couple years before we met--the doctors had to go in thru his throat to perform the surgery. Well, they DID damage his vocal chords...and he could not speak at all for a month...had to ring a bell to get his wife's attention. (It got to the point where his wife and kids were making fun of him and his little bell! Gawd...I am sooo glad I was not around for THAT!) :~O
Then, he could not speak above a feeble whisper for 6 months after that. He worked for another painting company at that time...was a foreman. He was trying to run the jobs, manage his crew, and be a firm leader...yet had to whisper all the time! Yeah...that did not work out so well, as you can imagine! :o}
As a last resort, he had to have another surgery...one where the surgeon tied his 2 vocal chords together to make 1 stronger vocal chord. Well, once that healed, it worked! However, his voice apparently used to be REALLY deep...and now is not. (Although it is still pretty deep.) He also cannot sing anymore...cannot sustain the notes, and his voice cracks...he ends-up coughing. There are no longer 2 separate vocal chords to vibrate against each other...and while the 1 is strong enough to enable him to speak, it is not strong enough to allow him the ability to sing.
Sooo, I really do believe that SOMETHING happened to Dad's vocal chords during the entebation.
However, no one will ever listen to me. And, apparently, Dad does not really care to speak anyway. They all frustrate me. Dad is morose, Mom is indifferent--she has apparently seen so much of all of this, and has had to take care of him thru it all--that she is not fazed by any of it...does not think it is a major deal...and, I guess, is just waiting for SOMETHING to happen...either way.
My brother is a mess. He has always had "Daddy Issues"...always striving for approval that he thought he never received...and resented Dad so much for it...yet still came back for more. My brother is too dumb to see past the end of his 7 year-old nose (even though he is 47!)
I have always tried to tell him that Dad worships his first born...his son!...And I have pointed-out to him the many ways in which Dad has shown him his love. I have also tried to explain to him WHY Dad is the way he is...WHY he runs his family like he does...and HOW he shows his love.
Dad was born in 1934...dirt poor...lots of kids...and a strict father. That was an ENTIRELY different time! Men showed their love and approval in TOTALLY different ways to their families. Dad behaved sooo much like HIS dad did...just, maybe toned-down a tiny bit...but not by much! Oy-Vey!
Anyway...Grandpa raised a strong bunch of kids himself, with the help of Grandma. They were married for over 60 years before he passed from Heart Disease...he was over 90 years old. ..that was in 1996. Grandma is still alive...and she is about 93 now. All of THEIR kids went on to have strong, successful marriages...and kids which they raised in the same manner which they were raised in: "Spare the rod, spoil the child."
That is just the way it was. Period. Nothing is ever going to change that...nothing is ever going to change the past...yet, Dad did mellow with time. He even regrets many of his parenting choices of the past...and has told my brother that. However...the past is the past...get over it! Move on! Qwitcherbitchin'! Ughhh...
I, being the "baby", had it MUCH easier! Believe me! PLUS...my brother was a rebellious, moronic, hellion...and my sister NOT much better...BOTH of them TOTALLY deserved whatever punishments they received! I, on the other hand, was an ANGEL! I also learned from watching THEIR mistakes, and just generally stayed in my room--and out of trouble--and READ all the time! (Wrote too!) ;o}
So, anyway...where was I??? Ughhh...it is the wee morning hours, and I have zinged-off into various directions again, huh?
I am SURE I will be getting a call from my sister after she read this!...To chew my ass out, and point-out to me the "error of my memories!"...That I was the thorn in her side from Day-1!...
...Yeah, yeah...I have heard ALL ABOUT how I RUINED her Halloween in 1969...the day I was born! She and my brother were supposed to have gone trick-or-treating as the "Banana Splits"...however, the "little miracle the was I" :o) was born, and it was "all-over" for them...I ruined the rest of their lives!...Yadda, yadda, yadda...heard that song-and-dance a million times! ;)
I am just REALLY glad that my brother has NO IDEA I even HAVE a blog, much less any idea of what a blog even IS! He would DEFINITELY kill me...YEEK! :O
Well, that's the way I wander sometimes! Sorry! I may as well just keep-on yakkin', if anyone is still paying attention! :-O
So...yeah...my brother is a moron who is still hung-up on all of that crap...and he has totally twisted it in his head how it REALLY was...such a WHINER! His maturity level, and his social skills were definitely stunted and retarded at an early age...really...and he has never gotten past that.
I think it is because, once my Dad and Mom made their fortune...and only had 1 kid at that point--my brother--they spoiled him to death! OMG! That kid wanted for nothing! And, that was one of Dad's ways of showing his love...since HE never had ANYTHING when he was growing up...he wanted HIS kids to have it ALL.
So...my brother DID...and he appreciated NONE of it! Disgusting, really. And he still whines about it. Nothing super traumatic ever happened to him. He was just a spoiled rich kid who raised hell, and did not want to pay the consequences. Now that he is an adult, he is all stuck in a time-warp.
And, now that Dad is so sick...my brother is terrified that Dad is going to not make it...and he is finally realizing that even though he has protested how much he: "Hates the 'Old Man'" all of these years...Gawd, how I HATE that term! :o( ...he now realizes how much he loves his "Daddy"! ...
...Ughhh!...I have TOLD him for YEARS that he would be a screwed-up mess if anything ever happened to Dad, and they did not rectify things. That he needed closure on all of that crap from the past, or else he would NEVER be able to be "whole"...and if something DID happen to Dad, then he would NEVER have the opportunity to ease him soul, and get his life together.
Well...of course...he NEVER believed me! NOW, however, he is all in a panic. I could wring his idiot neck. He always thinks it is all about HIM.
My sister--the middle child--has always been the "cool one"...not Daddy's favorite...not Mommy's favorite...Both of those titles were reserved for ME! Yes, my siblings HATED me and resented the heck out of me while we were growing-up! I probably was a precocious little "Cindy Brady"...but I always hear about how "darned CUTE I was!" ;o} ...Hee-hee! And, they TORTURED me mercilessly because of it! THAT is a whole entirely different blog...BELIEVE ME! Ooof! :-O
Anyway...my sister has never really sought EITHER of my parents' approval...just always did her own thing, and was fine with it all. She married...a few times!...had 4 kids...and has just rolled with the flow all the while. Not phased by much, and really quite a strong, together gal. Yeah...she has her ups and downs...don't we all? However, she is way too wrapped-up with her OWN kids to worry about whining about when SHE was a kid! Hey...she had it PRETTY DAMN GOOD--we ALL did--and she realizes that.
Actually, just tonight I was hanging-out up at the bowling alley...
YES!...I said: "BOWLING ALLEY"! Sometimes..."it is what it is"...'ya know? That's where my mom, sister, and sister-in-law bowl on a league, and so that is where I go on Thursdays to hang-out and have a couple drinks with the gals in my family...not a bad time...considering all the smoke, the drunk hoosiers, and the screaming kids. Oh! ...Sorry! That is just OUR family's presence up there!...WHOOPS! ...
...Ugh...sometimes I SWEAR I was either adopted...switched at the hospital by a hung-over, still-drunk-from-the-night-before nurse...or left on the door-step of the largest house on the street! WHO ARE these people?...And what happened to my "real" family??? ;)
ANYWAY...just tonight, my sister, Mom, and I were rehashing the "good 'ole days" of our youth....Mom had brought a STACK of old photos to give to us, that she had found while cleaning-out various nooks and crannies of the house...and it was AMAZING to see our little fledgling family in all those Black-and-Whites! Yup!...I KNEW it!...I was ADORABLE!!! :)
Well, we were all laughing over the crazy times we had growing-up...and my sister's hell-raising ways...and she said that she had thought the other day: "What would have happened to her...WHAT would Dad have done--if he had discovered her doing ANY of the devilish things she used to do as a teen??" ...Things she knew damn good-and-well that she would have gotten her ass kicked for, all the way to the Farm and back! Yet, she had no fear...Sooo DUMB! And sooo LUCKY! OMG...she was BAAAAADDDDD!
...And, I...SEEING what she was doing...KNOWING she would kill me if I uttered a peep...continued to hide in my room...reading and writing...and waiting for the explosion to come...determined to seek shelter from any potential fall-out! Holy-smokes! WILD CHILD! Aaaannnddddd...probably one of the reasons why she is now kinda "together" and semi-well-adjusted! She was a "normal" teenager...er...KINDA!
I was a frightened rabbit...aaaaannnnndddddd...as much as I would love to run "free"...still...kinda' timid.
I was never allowed to ride my bike past a certain tree near the end of the driveway when I was a kid...so I didn't. My parents drilled it into my head to never strike-off with my friends somewhere we weren't supposed to go...so I didn't.
I cannot tell you how many times my mom would drive my girlfriends (the neighbor twins) to the skating rink, the movies, or the local dance club--in Jr. High-- (it would be THEIR mom's turn to pick us up)...and the twins would get a wild-hair to walk to McDonald's, or something...IN THE DARK, NOT CLOSE-BY, ALONE!!!
Yeah...RIGHT...like I was REALLY gonna do THAT! So, my traitorous friends (man, I REALLY needed a "twin" of my own...They apparently stick together, thick-as-thieves, dammit! There's no breaching those defenses.)...they would take-off without me...and I would have to call my mom to come and pick me up...even though she thought she had already done her duty...her share of the driving. Think again!
Hey, they always warned me of all 'O the mad rapists out there...apparently they are just hangin' from the trees...and about ending-up: "Dead in a ditch somewhere!" :O
Let me tell you, if I have heard the "Dead in a ditch"-thing, ONCE...I have heard it a million times! Obviously, that image held great terror for me...apparently, BAD THINGS HAPPEN IN DITCHES! And, I wanted no part of that.
So, like a moron--ditched (no pun intended!) by her squirrely friends YET AGAIN!--I would place that collect-call at the disgusting, germ-ridden, sticky pay-phone, and listen to Mom exasperatedly tell me that her and dad were just sitting-down to watch "Jokers' Wild!", and "Tic Tac Dough"!...Boy...was she mad! Every time! I am surprised that they kept letting me go anywhere with those two.
I hope my parents were at least happy that all of their "Rapist"-sermons, and the "Ditch"-mantra had made such an impact. ;) I STILL tend to stay away from all the "Ditches" in life...still too timid, I guess. Well, I AM a product of my upbringing...could be worse, I guess...??? ;)
And that leads this little journey to...ME!...The "baby"...the last little bird to leave the nest...and never really left all the way. I speak to my Mom EVERY DAY...always have...and see her almost every day. I talk on the phone to my sister almost every day...email her a lot...and see her a couple times a week. I talk to my brother maybe once or twice a week...and see him when I am at my parents' house (he and Dad have their business based out of the house)...or when he comes into my bar.
I see Dad when I go over there a couple of times a week...yet it is awkward and stilted...sometimes he just goes into his bedroom when I come in...I know he just does not want to have to deal with "people". Since when did I become "PEOPLE"?!
Huh...I also just realized that I referred to my parents' house as...just that..."my parents' house"! That is a HUGE switch for me! I have ALWAYS referred to it as: "HOME"! ...That used to drive my ex-husband NUTS! When we were arguing (because he was such a complete JERK!), I would always refer to their house as "home"...because it WAS! And it always WILL BE!
My ex would get all incensed, and say that was NOT my "home"!...My "home" was supposedly that cockroach-infested cubicle of an apartment which we lived in. :-( Um, yeah...DON'T THINK SO! (Yeah...THOSE were some good times! Ughhh... :-O Yep...wasted too many years on him...OMG, you would NOT BELIEVE!)
Anyway...yeah..."HOME"...it always will be...to me anyway. "Home is where the heart is"...and my heart is where my family is. I guess one of the problems I have, is that I have never built a family of my own...just my little family of fur-balls...who are PERFECT AND WONDERFUL IN-EVERY-WAY!!! However, and I cringe in-fear to even think of it...they eventually will cross over the "Rainbow Bridge"...and what will I have then? Where will my home be?
So...this ramble has been just fulla' bits and pieces of the wanderings of my mind in the middle of the night...when my mind tends to ramble the most and wander the free-est...(AND, apparently, tends to MAKE-UP its own words...Hee-Hee!!).
I guess nothing ever REALLY ever gets resolved...I just become more aware of WHY I am a nut-case! No luck yet on figuring-out HOW to become more main-stream...don't think I would want to be, actually. Although, it would make things a touch easier....for the other "main-streamers" around me.
I am just tired of "being on the outside and looking-in...on my OWN life!" :~( Guess I just suck at being my own motivational-speaker...THAT was always my DAD'S job! I always succeeded the most, and soared the highest, when he was the one pushing, prodding, coaching, encouraging, yelling, shoving, and cheering me along-the-way. It was always so much more "fun" and "meaningful" when he was a part of "it"...a part of my life...a part of ME. (Aaaaannnnndddddd...so much more difficult to kick YOURSELF in the ass...when you are not really sure WHERE to kick! :-0 )
I know the baby bird is supposed to "fly" on its own at SOME point! I just never really thought that meant ME, too! Don't like THAT deal, at'tall! Hrmppphhhhh!!!...
That ground down there looks REALLY HARD! :-O
Um...maybe if I stick a whole bunch of MAXI-PADS all over my body...I am sure that would help! Wait a minute...they have "WINGS", right???!!! ;) So...they could either enable me to FLY! (not likely, huh???) ... help to cushion the blow, or SOAK-UP THE BLOOD!!..*YIKES!* ;) ...{Do they even SELL those anymore??? Does anyone even USE those anymore??? ..Or, did Maxi/Mini-pads go the way of the "Beta-VCR's"? "Beta"...HELL!...ALL VCR'S, now... YE-GADS... :-O }
I cannot seem to remember WHAT I write WHERE these days...it is all such a jumble. I feel quite addled in my dotage! :o}
And, as usual, this is a meandering collage of Skittles of various hues and flavors. So, pop a piece of that most wondrous, chewy, fruity, bit of Candy-Nirvana into your mouth, and read-on, whilst your sugar-buzz is still bursting!... ;o}
"Things" ARE kinda "okay"...we are in a wait-and-see holding-pattern...all that we can ask for, really. Every new day is a better day...I hope. That is my plan, anyway. Just gotta' convince myself of it now!
So...Dad IS finally home...they never could operate on him...he would not survive another surgery, and his intestines were too thin to hold a suture anyway. So, after another week+ in the hospital, (still with the colostomy bag on)...he was able to eat regular food...so the doctors decided that he could lie in bed at home as well as he could in the hospital. So...they shipped him outta' there.
He still has the colostomy bag on...Mom is his 24/7 nurse/slave/indentured-servant, etc. He is super weak...yet he does walk a few laps around the living room every day. He still has the clots in his legs...I guess with the meds they are slowly being absorbed.
A nurse comes every couple days, and they have to go in to the doctor at least once a week.
Mom said that he has zero interest in anything...not the farm, not the dogs, NOTHING. She took him off the anti-depressants, because she said he was just a zombie while on them...was kinda dizzy when he walked, and could not really focus on anything.
Now, he just seems really down. I mean...who can blame him, right? This whole deal has been one nightmare after another for the past few years. It took him so long to struggle back from the brink last time...and now he has to try and do it all over again...under even worse conditions.
I have always seen my dad as Superman...ageless, timeless, and without weakness. Now, I am trying to see what outsiders see...and what he is seeing in himself. And that is apparently an old and sick man. But that is NOT who he really is! He may be 73 years old...but that is just a number. My dad has ALWAYS been strong, healthy, brilliant-beyond-belief, sharp, quick, and the center of everyone's universe.
He is NOT this sick, old man who is suddenly a stranger to me...to all of us. I wonder if he is now a stranger to himself, too.
He is not the easiest person to talk to. He has always been the one doing the talking... ("lecturing", is more like it! ;) ...Or, just telling stories, in general.) He has never had a whole lot of patience...and if he did not want to listen to what we had to say, if it held no interest for him--because it was really so far below his intelligence level--his eyes would just glaze-over, and we would immediately get the hint that the conversation was over.
Well, now...he has no interest in ANYTHING ANYONE has to say...EVER. He just kinda lies there in his recliner and shrugs if asked a question, or told a brief story. It is rather unnerving...I just feel like an idiot...and like I am bothering him.
Mom says that he does not really talk...hardly ever...about anything. He is just a ghost going through the motions.
He thinks he is not getting any better. But I think that he is...Mom thinks so too. Less fluid is draining out of his abdominal cavity now...and that surely must mean that his intestines ARE finally healing themselves a bit. It is just going to take time...and lots of it.
At least he his HOME now...that certainly has to account for A LOT. ...Hospitals SUCK!... Plain-and-simple...Unless you are the doctors who make a flippin' FORTUNE there (even accounting for their exorbitant mal-practice insurance co-pays!)...or if you are parents bringing a baby into the world...
...(what am I saying?..."Parents"...I SHOULD SAY: "Unless you are a WOMAN, giving birth to her child!" When men say that they are "having a baby", they are FULL OF SHIT! THEY are NOT "having a baby"...THEY were the "sperm-donors"...period...THEY do NONE of the work! "Men--having a baby...my ASS! ;O}
Anyway...NO ONE wants to be in a hospital. MISERABLE...PERIOD. And I KNOW! *SHUDDER*
Now, Dad can barely speak above a whisper when he does speak. I think that when they had to entebate him when he coded, that they damaged his vocal chords. Also, since he has barely spoken in months, his muscles are atrophying.
Mom asked him why he can barely speak...what was "wrong with his voice?"...and he just shrugged again. I told her that he needs to start exercising his vocal chords, they need to get stronger too.
When Boomer had a few vertebrae in his neck fused--a couple years before we met--the doctors had to go in thru his throat to perform the surgery. Well, they DID damage his vocal chords...and he could not speak at all for a month...had to ring a bell to get his wife's attention. (It got to the point where his wife and kids were making fun of him and his little bell! Gawd...I am sooo glad I was not around for THAT!) :~O
Then, he could not speak above a feeble whisper for 6 months after that. He worked for another painting company at that time...was a foreman. He was trying to run the jobs, manage his crew, and be a firm leader...yet had to whisper all the time! Yeah...that did not work out so well, as you can imagine! :o}
As a last resort, he had to have another surgery...one where the surgeon tied his 2 vocal chords together to make 1 stronger vocal chord. Well, once that healed, it worked! However, his voice apparently used to be REALLY deep...and now is not. (Although it is still pretty deep.) He also cannot sing anymore...cannot sustain the notes, and his voice cracks...he ends-up coughing. There are no longer 2 separate vocal chords to vibrate against each other...and while the 1 is strong enough to enable him to speak, it is not strong enough to allow him the ability to sing.
Sooo, I really do believe that SOMETHING happened to Dad's vocal chords during the entebation.
However, no one will ever listen to me. And, apparently, Dad does not really care to speak anyway. They all frustrate me. Dad is morose, Mom is indifferent--she has apparently seen so much of all of this, and has had to take care of him thru it all--that she is not fazed by any of it...does not think it is a major deal...and, I guess, is just waiting for SOMETHING to happen...either way.
My brother is a mess. He has always had "Daddy Issues"...always striving for approval that he thought he never received...and resented Dad so much for it...yet still came back for more. My brother is too dumb to see past the end of his 7 year-old nose (even though he is 47!)
I have always tried to tell him that Dad worships his first born...his son!...And I have pointed-out to him the many ways in which Dad has shown him his love. I have also tried to explain to him WHY Dad is the way he is...WHY he runs his family like he does...and HOW he shows his love.
Dad was born in 1934...dirt poor...lots of kids...and a strict father. That was an ENTIRELY different time! Men showed their love and approval in TOTALLY different ways to their families. Dad behaved sooo much like HIS dad did...just, maybe toned-down a tiny bit...but not by much! Oy-Vey!
Anyway...Grandpa raised a strong bunch of kids himself, with the help of Grandma. They were married for over 60 years before he passed from Heart Disease...he was over 90 years old. ..that was in 1996. Grandma is still alive...and she is about 93 now. All of THEIR kids went on to have strong, successful marriages...and kids which they raised in the same manner which they were raised in: "Spare the rod, spoil the child."
That is just the way it was. Period. Nothing is ever going to change that...nothing is ever going to change the past...yet, Dad did mellow with time. He even regrets many of his parenting choices of the past...and has told my brother that. However...the past is the past...get over it! Move on! Qwitcherbitchin'! Ughhh...
I, being the "baby", had it MUCH easier! Believe me! PLUS...my brother was a rebellious, moronic, hellion...and my sister NOT much better...BOTH of them TOTALLY deserved whatever punishments they received! I, on the other hand, was an ANGEL! I also learned from watching THEIR mistakes, and just generally stayed in my room--and out of trouble--and READ all the time! (Wrote too!) ;o}
So, anyway...where was I??? Ughhh...it is the wee morning hours, and I have zinged-off into various directions again, huh?
I am SURE I will be getting a call from my sister after she read this!...To chew my ass out, and point-out to me the "error of my memories!"...That I was the thorn in her side from Day-1!...
...Yeah, yeah...I have heard ALL ABOUT how I RUINED her Halloween in 1969...the day I was born! She and my brother were supposed to have gone trick-or-treating as the "Banana Splits"...however, the "little miracle the was I" :o) was born, and it was "all-over" for them...I ruined the rest of their lives!...Yadda, yadda, yadda...heard that song-and-dance a million times! ;)
I am just REALLY glad that my brother has NO IDEA I even HAVE a blog, much less any idea of what a blog even IS! He would DEFINITELY kill me...YEEK! :O
Well, that's the way I wander sometimes! Sorry! I may as well just keep-on yakkin', if anyone is still paying attention! :-O
So...yeah...my brother is a moron who is still hung-up on all of that crap...and he has totally twisted it in his head how it REALLY was...such a WHINER! His maturity level, and his social skills were definitely stunted and retarded at an early age...really...and he has never gotten past that.
I think it is because, once my Dad and Mom made their fortune...and only had 1 kid at that point--my brother--they spoiled him to death! OMG! That kid wanted for nothing! And, that was one of Dad's ways of showing his love...since HE never had ANYTHING when he was growing up...he wanted HIS kids to have it ALL.
So...my brother DID...and he appreciated NONE of it! Disgusting, really. And he still whines about it. Nothing super traumatic ever happened to him. He was just a spoiled rich kid who raised hell, and did not want to pay the consequences. Now that he is an adult, he is all stuck in a time-warp.
And, now that Dad is so sick...my brother is terrified that Dad is going to not make it...and he is finally realizing that even though he has protested how much he: "Hates the 'Old Man'" all of these years...Gawd, how I HATE that term! :o( ...he now realizes how much he loves his "Daddy"! ...
...Ughhh!...I have TOLD him for YEARS that he would be a screwed-up mess if anything ever happened to Dad, and they did not rectify things. That he needed closure on all of that crap from the past, or else he would NEVER be able to be "whole"...and if something DID happen to Dad, then he would NEVER have the opportunity to ease him soul, and get his life together.
Well...of course...he NEVER believed me! NOW, however, he is all in a panic. I could wring his idiot neck. He always thinks it is all about HIM.
My sister--the middle child--has always been the "cool one"...not Daddy's favorite...not Mommy's favorite...Both of those titles were reserved for ME! Yes, my siblings HATED me and resented the heck out of me while we were growing-up! I probably was a precocious little "Cindy Brady"...but I always hear about how "darned CUTE I was!" ;o} ...Hee-hee! And, they TORTURED me mercilessly because of it! THAT is a whole entirely different blog...BELIEVE ME! Ooof! :-O
Anyway...my sister has never really sought EITHER of my parents' approval...just always did her own thing, and was fine with it all. She married...a few times!...had 4 kids...and has just rolled with the flow all the while. Not phased by much, and really quite a strong, together gal. Yeah...she has her ups and downs...don't we all? However, she is way too wrapped-up with her OWN kids to worry about whining about when SHE was a kid! Hey...she had it PRETTY DAMN GOOD--we ALL did--and she realizes that.
Actually, just tonight I was hanging-out up at the bowling alley...
YES!...I said: "BOWLING ALLEY"! Sometimes..."it is what it is"...'ya know? That's where my mom, sister, and sister-in-law bowl on a league, and so that is where I go on Thursdays to hang-out and have a couple drinks with the gals in my family...not a bad time...considering all the smoke, the drunk hoosiers, and the screaming kids. Oh! ...Sorry! That is just OUR family's presence up there!...WHOOPS! ...
...Ugh...sometimes I SWEAR I was either adopted...switched at the hospital by a hung-over, still-drunk-from-the-night-before nurse...or left on the door-step of the largest house on the street! WHO ARE these people?...And what happened to my "real" family??? ;)
ANYWAY...just tonight, my sister, Mom, and I were rehashing the "good 'ole days" of our youth....Mom had brought a STACK of old photos to give to us, that she had found while cleaning-out various nooks and crannies of the house...and it was AMAZING to see our little fledgling family in all those Black-and-Whites! Yup!...I KNEW it!...I was ADORABLE!!! :)
Well, we were all laughing over the crazy times we had growing-up...and my sister's hell-raising ways...and she said that she had thought the other day: "What would have happened to her...WHAT would Dad have done--if he had discovered her doing ANY of the devilish things she used to do as a teen??" ...Things she knew damn good-and-well that she would have gotten her ass kicked for, all the way to the Farm and back! Yet, she had no fear...Sooo DUMB! And sooo LUCKY! OMG...she was BAAAAADDDDD!
...And, I...SEEING what she was doing...KNOWING she would kill me if I uttered a peep...continued to hide in my room...reading and writing...and waiting for the explosion to come...determined to seek shelter from any potential fall-out! Holy-smokes! WILD CHILD! Aaaannnddddd...probably one of the reasons why she is now kinda "together" and semi-well-adjusted! She was a "normal" teenager...er...KINDA!
I was a frightened rabbit...aaaaannnnndddddd...as much as I would love to run "free"...still...kinda' timid.
I was never allowed to ride my bike past a certain tree near the end of the driveway when I was a kid...so I didn't. My parents drilled it into my head to never strike-off with my friends somewhere we weren't supposed to go...so I didn't.
I cannot tell you how many times my mom would drive my girlfriends (the neighbor twins) to the skating rink, the movies, or the local dance club--in Jr. High-- (it would be THEIR mom's turn to pick us up)...and the twins would get a wild-hair to walk to McDonald's, or something...IN THE DARK, NOT CLOSE-BY, ALONE!!!
Yeah...RIGHT...like I was REALLY gonna do THAT! So, my traitorous friends (man, I REALLY needed a "twin" of my own...They apparently stick together, thick-as-thieves, dammit! There's no breaching those defenses.)...they would take-off without me...and I would have to call my mom to come and pick me up...even though she thought she had already done her duty...her share of the driving. Think again!
Hey, they always warned me of all 'O the mad rapists out there...apparently they are just hangin' from the trees...and about ending-up: "Dead in a ditch somewhere!" :O
Let me tell you, if I have heard the "Dead in a ditch"-thing, ONCE...I have heard it a million times! Obviously, that image held great terror for me...apparently, BAD THINGS HAPPEN IN DITCHES! And, I wanted no part of that.
So, like a moron--ditched (no pun intended!) by her squirrely friends YET AGAIN!--I would place that collect-call at the disgusting, germ-ridden, sticky pay-phone, and listen to Mom exasperatedly tell me that her and dad were just sitting-down to watch "Jokers' Wild!", and "Tic Tac Dough"!...Boy...was she mad! Every time! I am surprised that they kept letting me go anywhere with those two.
I hope my parents were at least happy that all of their "Rapist"-sermons, and the "Ditch"-mantra had made such an impact. ;) I STILL tend to stay away from all the "Ditches" in life...still too timid, I guess. Well, I AM a product of my upbringing...could be worse, I guess...??? ;)
And that leads this little journey to...ME!...The "baby"...the last little bird to leave the nest...and never really left all the way. I speak to my Mom EVERY DAY...always have...and see her almost every day. I talk on the phone to my sister almost every day...email her a lot...and see her a couple times a week. I talk to my brother maybe once or twice a week...and see him when I am at my parents' house (he and Dad have their business based out of the house)...or when he comes into my bar.
I see Dad when I go over there a couple of times a week...yet it is awkward and stilted...sometimes he just goes into his bedroom when I come in...I know he just does not want to have to deal with "people". Since when did I become "PEOPLE"?!
Huh...I also just realized that I referred to my parents' house as...just that..."my parents' house"! That is a HUGE switch for me! I have ALWAYS referred to it as: "HOME"! ...That used to drive my ex-husband NUTS! When we were arguing (because he was such a complete JERK!), I would always refer to their house as "home"...because it WAS! And it always WILL BE!
My ex would get all incensed, and say that was NOT my "home"!...My "home" was supposedly that cockroach-infested cubicle of an apartment which we lived in. :-( Um, yeah...DON'T THINK SO! (Yeah...THOSE were some good times! Ughhh... :-O Yep...wasted too many years on him...OMG, you would NOT BELIEVE!)
Anyway...yeah..."HOME"...it always will be...to me anyway. "Home is where the heart is"...and my heart is where my family is. I guess one of the problems I have, is that I have never built a family of my own...just my little family of fur-balls...who are PERFECT AND WONDERFUL IN-EVERY-WAY!!! However, and I cringe in-fear to even think of it...they eventually will cross over the "Rainbow Bridge"...and what will I have then? Where will my home be?
So...this ramble has been just fulla' bits and pieces of the wanderings of my mind in the middle of the night...when my mind tends to ramble the most and wander the free-est...(AND, apparently, tends to MAKE-UP its own words...Hee-Hee!!).
I guess nothing ever REALLY ever gets resolved...I just become more aware of WHY I am a nut-case! No luck yet on figuring-out HOW to become more main-stream...don't think I would want to be, actually. Although, it would make things a touch easier....for the other "main-streamers" around me.
I am just tired of "being on the outside and looking-in...on my OWN life!" :~( Guess I just suck at being my own motivational-speaker...THAT was always my DAD'S job! I always succeeded the most, and soared the highest, when he was the one pushing, prodding, coaching, encouraging, yelling, shoving, and cheering me along-the-way. It was always so much more "fun" and "meaningful" when he was a part of "it"...a part of my life...a part of ME. (Aaaaannnnndddddd...so much more difficult to kick YOURSELF in the ass...when you are not really sure WHERE to kick! :-0 )
I know the baby bird is supposed to "fly" on its own at SOME point! I just never really thought that meant ME, too! Don't like THAT deal, at'tall! Hrmppphhhhh!!!...
That ground down there looks REALLY HARD! :-O
Um...maybe if I stick a whole bunch of MAXI-PADS all over my body...I am sure that would help! Wait a minute...they have "WINGS", right???!!! ;) So...they could either enable me to FLY! (not likely, huh???) ... help to cushion the blow, or SOAK-UP THE BLOOD!!..*YIKES!* ;) ...{Do they even SELL those anymore??? Does anyone even USE those anymore??? ..Or, did Maxi/Mini-pads go the way of the "Beta-VCR's"? "Beta"...HELL!...ALL VCR'S, now... YE-GADS... :-O }
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